my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
