I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
