The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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