i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Everything about him screamed your future.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You dont lie about slip and slides
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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