when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
