Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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