as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
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