I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
