Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
