I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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