Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Gay?
German.
Pity.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
