i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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