I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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