I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
