I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
