Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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