Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
