My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
