listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
