Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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