Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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