Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize