i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
