If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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