I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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