Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
