Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
