Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
