It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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