you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
