im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
