I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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