I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
