Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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