Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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