I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
