I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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