Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
