I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Randomize
