so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize