U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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