she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
