Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
