She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
