Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
