That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
