I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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