He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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