I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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