Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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