my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So here I am, sexting at work.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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