I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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