I just made out with a guy for $7.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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