The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
