this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
