remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
