Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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