you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
